today.. i ate a lot. and i feel guilty about it... not that i am really fat.. i'm not fat.. but i always think that i am. probably because of my childhood experienced. one of my uncle used to call me, "oink-oink".. and he always paired me with a classmate of mine who was also fat. sadness.. but it used to be easy before.. because i don't seem to care that time. so here comes my teen years.. i'm not a plump girl.. but i'm not skinny also. i think my weight was just normal.. like i'm in the middle but more on the chubby side because my arms (until now) are big. but at that time - i still don't care. i mean, i love to eat and i don't want to worry about my weight because i don't want to limit the food that i want to eat.. so i think i was normal.. on the latter years of my HS life.. there comes the Junior and Senior Proms - of course, i wanna look my best.. so i told myself, i want to lose a little weight so that my arms won't look that big when i wear the gown that my mother bought me for my junior prom.. so i did try to limit my food intake for a few weeks.. and somehow, i was feeling good about it. but then one PE class, i was eating a bar of chocolate which was a 'pasalubong' from my mother when one of the skinny girl in our class told me.. "ayan kasi.. kain ka ng kain ng chocolate.. kaya ang taba-taba mo e.."... that remark - broke my heart. :-(
it traumatized me.. and i really felt bad about myself... i still continued my diet.. but after the prom.. stopped. i ate the way i used to eat again.. until i think i really was starting to be fat.. my mother always told me not to eat soo much because she notices that my legs is getting bigger and bigger. whenever i go to a mananahi to have my measurements done.. my mother told me that when she was at my age.. she was slimmer and more sexier.. because of those remarks.. i again tried my best to lose weight but no luck.
i thought that i'll continue to get bigger and bigger like when i was a child.. but then comes my last year in HS.. i dunno how it happened but i really lost a lot of weight.. and at the early years of college - a lot of girls envy me for being soo skinny.. that made me happy.. and made me realize that i don't want to be my fat/normal self again.. so i'll keep this weight and want to lose more..
the battle against weight is not easy.. because when i was in my fourth year in college.. i really was eating a lot and so my weight gain is noticeable by my college friends.. this time.. i was stuck.. the magic that happened when i was on my last year in HS is no longer there.. so it was damn hard and frustrating.. i was so desperate that i even entered the gym.. most of which are telling that i am not fat.. my body needs a little toning and it will be perfect.. i don't believe them.. so i still workout and limit the food intake. i read on the different diet techniques such as Atkins, SouthBeach.. etc.. and when i started losing.. i again want to keep it.
but a body's weight.. like life has its ups and downs.. my weight is like a sinusoidal wave wherein i sometimes am in my maxima (wherein i'm sad) and sometimes on my minima (which leaves me with super happiness and high self-esteem)...
oh well.. several years have passed and i'm still on this battle. i hope i'll never get tired.. but i hope that i get cured of this sickness.. i know this is not normal and i'm not happy about this.. that's why i've been finding myself a cure for this.. being always on a diet.. is not that easy.. if there's a programmable device that can be installed in the brain of a person's mind to overcome this problem - i would be the first one to buy it. because it's really hard to be on this situation.
Restaurant in D. Macapagal Street Pasay 
the 'Hot Pot'
Joyce and Raleine
The Gang 
